Thursday, July 20, 2006

Words to Live By

Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things
you want to do.

(author not known)

Suicide Bet

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously uicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five 'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

Monday, July 10, 2006

Appaloosa Mare, cowboy poetry

This is me performing at the 1997 Cowboy Poetry Gathering, Toppenish, Washington. Converted from VHS.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

And Another Funny Commercial for DHL

Cat's Vendetta


Bronze Rats

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand for the story behind it."

"At that price, you can keep the story," he replies, "but I'll take the bronze rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars… following him.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can throw it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah sir, you've come back for the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer "

Monday, July 03, 2006

Golf and Gun Club

From the bull pen:

A friend of mine said he was going to Metaline Falls (his hometown) to play in a golf tournament. "Its a golf and gun club". (I am not making that up).

I said, "Only in Idaho." He reminded me it was in Washington. 'Same difference', I thought. "Only in the Sticks".

I asked, "Is that like a skeet shooting club, only instead of ' PULL', Ka-Pow you have ' FORE', Ka-Pow?

Ka-Pow, ' I shot a birdie.' Ka-pow, ' I shot an eagle' "

He said they shot across the golf course in the winter when you can't play golf. I suggested that the golfing would be more challenging if they had the shooting in the summer.

Shooting guns in the winter in the northeast corner of Washington seemed strange to me. But then I remembered the Biathlon - like they have in the Olympics. The biathlon is a combination of cross-country skiing and target shooting.

North Idaho has its own version to the biathlon. Redneck poachers on snowmobiles.

Another Funny DHL Commercial

DHL delivers anything... anywhere... for anyone, apparently. Including a dog to bug this bird's arch-nemesis, the household cat.


Saturday, July 01, 2006

The View from North Idaho - 1

From the bull pen:

When I came to North Idaho in 1992, I was stopped at the Montana border by the Idaho State Police. They asked if I carried any guns. I said "no", so they gave me one.

On the Washington border they were stopping cars with California plates and painting targets on them. That practice ended when the population reached 51 percent Californians.

Now Kootenai County, where I live, is 70% and growing. We're just Northern, Northern California. Only about 15 % are native Idahoans, the rest are other. I'm an other.

Along with the Californians came an (allegedly) racist group. Well trained in the use of guns, clubs, martial arts, and assorted forms of combat. They are retirees of the LAPD.