Funny Commercial for DHL

Via: VideoSift

Heard in the Courtroom

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.
(Source unknown)

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Frogs in the House

From the bull pen:

When I moved North Idaho it was to a large basement apartment of a log home in the county. The basement hadn't been lived in for years - for reasons to be explained at another time. As I soon discovered in the shower, the house was inhabited by frogs, small frogs.

Very dutifully I carried each outside and released them in a shady spot. The frogs kept coming and I'd put out one or two a day. A library book on frogs revealed that they were Pacific tree frogs. Everything in the book about them was exact. The size, the diversity of color from dull brown to a yellowish green with various combinations of oblong spots. The description of their sound, which the book likened to a ratchet, was perfect. The problem was that (going by the habitat map) Pacific tree frogs aren't found in Idaho. But I figured that herpetologists (the ones who study reptiles and amphibians - not Herpes) had never been to Idaho, at least not this part of the State.

Years went on. More frogs. No problem, I'd just let them out. Then one day I noticed a frog and fly on the inside of the window. I went to do something in another room. When I returned the fly was gone. Ah ha! The frog stayed. All these years I had been swatting flies.

Now my new hobby was watching frogs hunt, stalking their prey on the like a cat (except that cats don't walk vertically on glass windows) then pouncing. From my kitchen chair, I'd watch through binoculars. Close up action. But not good enough. I had a 300mm lens for my camera to which I attached a micro lens. I played theme music from Jurassic Park, focusing on a frog eyeball. Even though everything else was out of focus, it felt very prehistoric.

Then I got to worrying if the frogs had enough to eat. I left the door open to let the flies in. Still I worried. So I would go out and catch flies (they were quite abundant around the horse barn).

A farmer friend called them three-toed tree toads. I didn't argue. But I know they're frogs. Toads are dry, these were moist. Besides, toads in the house are so tacky.

Octopus Eats Shark - video

Not amusing (except to sickos), but very fascinating.

Winning Strategy

A young man called his mother and announced
excitedly that he had just met the woman of his
dreams.

Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea:
"Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card
invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and
arranged a date for a week later.

His mother called the day after the big date to
see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but ..... she refused to cook."

Forgetfulness - annimated poetry.

Billy Collins former US Poet Laureate
annimation by Julian Grey of Headgear

1000 TV Channels on your Computer, Free - This is NOT an ad

I saw the ad. Oh boy, I thought. First of all, I'm cheap.
Secondly I don't watch much TV. My rabbit ears get the
major networks including Fox, plus two public TV stations.
But it would would be nice to once in a while get the
Discovery and the Disney channel and the like.

One time software purchase and no other fees. Well
fortunately I did some checking around the internet. Sorry,
no Animal Planet, no Comedy Central. What you get is a
directory of webcasts from around the world with a bookmark
system so you can find your favorite channels again.

Don't send money. Go to World Wide Internet TV
http://www.wwitv.com/ (there are probably other free
directories) and see what kind of TV channels you get for
free. There are college broadcasts, local, government,
religious stations, news, regional sports, and stations and
even watch NASA live.

No Discovery channel. But if you want news from New Orleans
- you got it. If you have relatives in Boston or are
planning to visit there, you can find out what's happening.
Want to brush up on your Russian. Japanese, Vietnamese or
whatever? There are stations from around the world.

Since I would like to someday visit New Zealand, I checked
that out. There were only three stations. I clicked on one
that had recorded broadcasts of the news. It was neat that
I could pick out the stories I wanted to see. Clicking on
the screen made it a full screen.

New Zealand was having unusual amounts of snow, causing road
closures and power outages. (Our local Spokane station
failed to report that). Some places were without power for
two weeks. And it's colder than normal. June is like our
December, so they have a long winter ahead of them.

Maybe we should send them our air pollution so they can get
some of this global warming stuff.

Oil Change Instructions

Oil Change Instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
3000 miles since last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee or read through magazine.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Total $21.00.


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for
$50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner
and a scented tree.

2) Discover that the used oil container is full so
instead of taking it back to auto store to recycle,
dump in hole in back yard.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. Jack
car up.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: Gets hot oil
on you in process.

12) Clean up mess.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Look for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and
twist off.

16) Have a Beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.

Finish oil change tomorrow..

18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from
underneath car.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 15.

20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a
thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole
in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now
on the floor.

30) Drink beer.

31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and
bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench
hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as
required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to
fresh oil spilled during step 23.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under
the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Make bail.

50) Get car from impound yard.


Money spent:
Parts $50.00
Beer $25.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Total $4150.00

But, doggone, you know the job was done right!

What Old People Do For Fun

Beer

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

Do cows lying down really mean it's going to rain?

From: The Wild File | Outside Online

Q) Do cows lying down really mean it's going to rain?
Jesse cantwell, Groveland, Illinois

Nope. Nor is it true that dogs eat grass before rain, groundhogs ruminate over their shadows, or Harvard nerds play Risk the night preceding a nor'easter. Turns out the vast majority of weather lore is bunk, though many faulty predictors endure in the age of Doppler 3000 and perfectly coiffed weathermen. This is probably because a handful of the predictors do work, mostly those based on animals' ability to detect changes in barometric pressure (something scientists don't yet fully understand). Seabirds head for open ocean when a storm system is approaching, bees tend to return to their hives during a pressure drop, and blackflies bite more before a drizzle. So chances are many of us will reach for our parkas when we see horizontal heifers. Unfortunately, says Mary Knapp, the state climatologist in Kansas (where modern wives' tales have led some to mistakenly believe they can outdrive tornadoes), "our understanding of weather keeps progressing, but the folklore doesn't keep up."

Brilliant Criminals - video

This is good.

What cooks faster, beef or men?

Answers to Strange Questions

Q: Turn on a huge oven, put in a slab of beefsteak and a human being, and which cooks faster?

A: In one of the bizarrer experiments ever, the above was actually tried, says Arizona State University climatologist Randy Cerveny in "Freaks of the Storm: The World's Strangest True Weather Stories." It was 1775, and Scottish physician George Fordyce set out to determine how hot a temperature a man could survive. So he created a series of rooms, the hottest of them heated by flues in the floor and by pouring upon it boiling water. The heat eventually became so great that all the scientists' thermometers broke except one. As one of the researchers later recorded, "Men remained in Fordyce's heated rooms at 260 degrees F for 15 minutes, without any noteworthy rise in body temperature, while a beefsteak was nicely cooked in 13 minutes."

The secret was the men were touched only by the likely very dry hot air, which conducts heat poorly, whereas the meat was on hot metal, which transfers its heat readily. That explains why you can briefly reach your hand into an oven where you're baking a cake, but you better not touch the metal shelf. But heatstroke is a real risk so don't try any of this!

Richmond.com - Feature Story: 'Strange But True ' for

Jackalope

JACKALOPE
by Hilma (Volcano) Volk

"Are there jackalope around here?"
The dude from Chicago asked.
"Well up here there's too much elevation;
They're down on sagebrush flats."

"Course the females don't have antlers.
Males shed theirs in early spring.
They'll bed down during the day
And come out in the late evening.

"They're masters of camouflage,
When scared they'll lay out flat.
Them antlers blend in like a bush,
An' they're silent as a cat.

"They're pretty cunning creatures, too,
Like if a coyote's giving chase,
A different one will whistle
An' throw him off his pace.

"They say they're mostly loners
But I've seen them in a pack
An' make a circle, antlers out,
To fend off a dog attack."

The Chicago man looked quite confused.
He said, "You're a pretty good liar.
'Cause we both know they're a myth
Dreamed up 'round some campfire."

"Not so," I said, "they're real enough.
Every word I said was true.
Why, Friday night at the Longhorn
They'll serve up Jack'lope stew.

"And Max Green, the taxidermist,
Has a whole bunch he has trapped.
An' there's photos a the gallery
That you can get gift wrapped."

He said, "I want to see one alive."
"You'll need binocs and a good spot light.
Best time and place to see 'em
Is Rattler Flats at night."

He asked if I'd be his guide.
I drawled, "For a hundred buck
I'll guarantee you'll see least one.
If not, I'm out of luck."

Next night our light reflected eyes.
I said, "Look, there's a doe."
"Malarkey, that's a rabbit!"
"Nope, there's differences, ya know.

"Like see that faint stripe on the back
Or that light spot on the chest.
Them are jackalope for sure.
But a buck will be our quest.

"Them males are awful wary
'Cause they're hunted all the time.
Ain't no season on them,
An' right now them horns is prime.

"Look there!" I shined the scope,
"That there rack's a pretty sight."
"I don't see a thing," he said.
"Scan that bush that's on the right."

"I see it, yes I see it!
But wait, it doesn't budge."
"You wouldn't either if you was hunted,
You big fat tub of fudge."

We went on and spied three more.
"Them ain't fiction," I rebuffed.
Still them jack'lope didn't move.
He declared, "I think they,re stuffed."

He sneered, "Let's go out there.
If they're real, they swill scoot."
Said I, "No one goes out on Rattler Flats
Lest they're wearing snake proof boot."

He stayed in the truck a grumblin'
Till I shone another critter
Whose head was slowly turning
An' his right ear gave a twitter.

The man left town that next day.
I handed Max Green fifty.
In my pocket's a big bonus tip.
Yep, mechanical things are nifty.

Top ten things you'll never hear a dad say.

10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. What do I want for Father's Day? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)

Killer Whale Crushes Kayak

This is amazing.

whale crushes kayak

Chinese CocaCola Commercial.

Cool Chinese CocaCola commercial. Wow.

Cowboy Visits Church

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

Good News - Bad News

A large two-engine train was crossing the
country.

After some distance, one of the engines broke
down.

"No problem," the engineer thought and carried
on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine
broke down and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the
passengers about why the train had stopped,
and made the following announcement,

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news
and some bad news.

The bad news is that both engines have failed,
and we will be stuck here for some time.

The good news is that
............you're not in an airplane."

Bumper Stickers 1

FEAR MOM

GEORGE BUSH

Like a Rock

only dumber

Honk if YOU Are

ELVIS

MY KARMA
ran over your DOGMA

Born OK the FIRST Time

BUCKLE UP

It makes it harder for the aliens

to suck you out of your car.

Jesus is Coming

look busy

Would Somebody Please

Give Bush a Blow job

So We Can Impeach Him

WELCOME TO AMERICA

now speak English

JESUS LOVES YOU

everyone else thinks

you're an Asshole

DRINK YOUR BEER

There's Sober Kids in India

THIS IS MY TRUCK

No I won't help you move!

Do you want to speak to

THE MAN IN CHARGE

Or speak to the WOMAN

who knows what's going on?

Southern University Psychology

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes."Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student." And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she said." And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ".

Pissing off a Cop

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse shit.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.

Talk About Scared

Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new BMW.

She was doing 136 Kph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eye liner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when Ilooked back she was halfway over in my lane! Still working on that make-up !!!

It scared me so bad, (I'm a man) that I droppedmy electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straightenout the car using my knees against thesteering wheel, my cell phone was knocked awayfrom my ear.

It fell into the coffee between my legs,splashed and burned 'Big Jim and the Twins'! Ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!!!!!!!!

(thanks to Writer Ray)